bachelor in paradise, season three, episodes eight and nine: startofsomethingnew.mp3
It’s the rose ceremony! There’s nine roses, and ten guys. Ladies are in charge, because sisters are doing it for themselves.
  • Carly gives her rose to Evan.
  • Ashley is thrilled to give her rose to someone who actually likes her and gives it to My Boyfriend Wells.
  • Jen gives her rose to Nick.
  •  Izzy gives her rose to Brett.
  • Caila gives her rose to Jared.
  • Lace gives her rose to Grant.
  • Amanda gives her rose to Josh (barf).

All of this is interspersed with the twins talking about how they haven’t really found a connection with anyone there and wondering if it was fair to keep people they weren’t interested in there. When it’s time to give a rose, they decide that it wouldn’t be fair for either of them to give their roses out, and decide to head out on the umbilical cord that brought them together. That means Kent/Carl/Whatever and the other guy are going home[1], and sadly, my favorite tumor, Daniel, my darling Candy Lambz, is going home[2]. I hope his elimination doesn’t cause an international incident. Forgive us, Justin Trudeau! R.I.P, Candy Lambz - may you find a woman as hot and as weird as you are. This person may not exist. If they never need someone to dress as a bunch of grapes for a food and wellness preparation, I hope you have a lot of purple paint ready.  Be well, Daniel, my Canadian Lamborghini. xo.

But before they leave, the twins gotta stir the cocktail one more time. They take Amanda aside and tearfully ask her to be cautious and safe around Josh (barf). They ask her to trust them, because Nick[3] told them some stuff and it’s kind of valid. As soon as the twins walk away from Amanda, Josh (barf) swoops in. Amanda wants time to herself to think, but of course, Josh (barf) won’t let that happen because he’s got to bully and belittle someone and she’s the first person he saw. She doesn’t want to talk about it, because she’s totally fine with seeing the false image of Josh (barf) that he sold her, forget that literally everyone else on this island thinks he’s a dick. Her being afraid to bring any of this up to him out of fear of his reaction IS A HUGE FUCKING RED FLAG. Josh (barf) is frustrated because he thought  the whole book thing had been squashed earlier on and we were done with it!

NO, Josh (barf). THAT IS NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS. Amanda brings up that it’s convenient that he’s on this show now, and he’s like “My dog had cancer! I was taking care of her! I haven’t been around!”

Wait, Josh (barf)? Was your dog dying from cancer when you were starring on and/or filming Famously Single?

It’s astonishing to me how he refuses to give her any kind of space. Even when Amanda talks to the twins, he’s watching her from the balcony and runs down as soon as she's alone. Josh (barf) forces everyone to come down from the balcony to be like “how dare you all talk about me?” Basically, Josh (barf) thinks it’s unfair that people are going to Amanda with the concerns they have for her. Josh (barf) - who is screaming and yelling and threatening these people - doesn’t understand why people walk on eggshells around him. Josh (barf),  in his determination to prove that Andi’s book is false, proves Andi’s book is probably not false. Josh (barf), who demanded all of these people come down and talk to HIM and then yelled at them, can’t possibly as demanding, aggressive, or controlling as they all say he is, no sir. Josh (barf) is now the guy who threatened Nick physically for having the audacity to care about the woman Josh (barf) claims to love.

Here’s my favorite Reality TV Rule if you’re ever in question about who is telling the truth and who is lying in most situations: who has the most to gain from lying?

Nick gains nothing from lying - he doesn’t look better by making Josh (barf) look bad; he’s in another relationship so it isn’t about getting to Amanda; and it really does seem like Josh (barf) wants to rub things in Nick’s face than vice versa, so it can’t be a revenge thing.

On the other hand, Josh (barf) literally has everything to gain from lying about all of this: his reputation is in disarray; he can’t get women because they think he’s an abusive asshole; and this is the second time this year he’s been made to look like shit on reality TV. [4]

Josh (barf), to me, is by far scarier than Chad ever was. Chad was at least somewhat perceptive about the things he did say. He came across as trying to be an edgelord and illicit reactions out of people as well as having a problem with combining alcohol and bad decisions. Also, Chad’s physical aggression was primarily geared toward men. Josh (barf) is a straight pit of darkness, yo. Josh (barf) is insidious and seems to really only gear his aggression toward and regarding women he’s interested in (and Nick, who he likely sees as the reason him and Andi’s relationship broke up - his level of anger really seems to be uncalled for). I mean, it’s terrifying that Josh (barf) was most likely holding back because there were cameras around. Chad didn’t give a shit about that.

But it’s okay, because Amanda is conflicted. Despite literally everyone telling her Josh (barf) ain’t shit, she still thinks he’s the crap. Nick and Josh (barf) get into it and Nick’s like “It’s my opinion” and Josh (barf) is like “why didn’t you talk to me about it instead”,” and Nick is like “IT’S MY OPINION!!!!!!!!” Let’s be honest - if Nick did what Josh (barf) asked and came directly to him with his hesitations, Josh (barf) would do the exact same thing he was doing just then - trying to derail and deflect. Josh (barf) was more mad that other people said this than about what Amanda was actually thinking. He only got mad once he found out other people had warned Amanda about him. His level of anger was terrifying and I have a feeling he was only a 3 ut of 10 on his true anger scale.

Jared makes a good point that the twins had these fears and used Nick as their way to bring it to Amanda - Nick never said shit to Amanda himself. They all but planted Nick’s fingerprints on the murder weapon. Nick pretty much handled that situation like he was disarming a bomb. Because Josh (barf) is a fucking brat, he starts passive-aggressively packing his bag and talking like “We’re leaving or we’re staying, but she’s not going to be able to get away from me ever for the rest of her life. Who would want her after this?”[5] And all kind of other disgusting, nasty abusive stuff abusers say. 

It’s fine, though. Amanda, despite being told by multiple people and her two best friends not to, trusts Josh (barf). She’s not going to listen to what other people have to say, even though she definitely should. She apologizes to Josh (barf), and my jaw drops because we legitimately just watched emotional abuse in action on television in 2016. Why is she apologizing? He made her feel guilty for rightfully doubting him. She goes on to talk about how she’s had bad relationships before and how she’s a good judge of character. She’s never had any examples of any bad behavior - UH LAST NIGHT WHEN HE FLIPPED OUT BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SPOON WITH HIS SWEATY GROSS MAN BODY - so she has no reason to believe them.

God damn it, Amanda. God fucking damn it. 

Fucking Jami arrives. Jami, who is our replacement Canadian, and also half-black. You may remember Jami from such things as barely lasting on her season of The Bachelor and also hating Jubilee for Jubilee’s black pride, because Jami is full of self-hatred.

​Remember: Jami is the girl who got upset that Jubilee wanted to go far as a black woman on this franchise, because she felt as if Jubilee didn’t see her as a black person. Jami’s not smart enough to realize that colorism is most certainly a thing, particularly in the black community, and just wanted to bully Jubilee because Jubilee was aware that she is unambiguously black and Jami and Amber were light skinned enough that they get a few privileges - i.e, not being cast as The Black Girl on a show known for casting stereotypes - and Jami was uncomfortable with that. Jubilee just knows the politics of any woman of color, mixed-race or not, making it far on this show.

Jami was mean to Queen Jubilee, so she doesn’t even get A Ranking on the Queen Jubilee #jubileeforbachelorette Scale.

End Act One.
Additional Random Thoughts from The Desk of Amanda:
  •  Wow, Amanda was actually allowed to speak this week. And in like, solo moments! Where Josh (barf) wasn’t around!
  • I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Josh (barf) Murray was cast on this show to be made a fool of. I have no sympathy for him whatsoever - he knew what he was getting himself into. A positive edit on your season of The Bachelor/ette does not necessarily lead to a positive edit on Paradise (See: AshLee Frazier). At the beginning of the season I was kind of upset with the producers/ABC for allowing him to be cast after Andi’s book pretty much said he was a horrible person. And I still don’t think it was a healthy risk in this manner because now Amanda’s a mother of two young girls who’s linked to this man.  But now I truly believe that the edit Josh (barf) Murray is getting and the level of (deserved) vitriol he’s getting on social media is the producers basically saying “Don’t fuck with one of our own.” Andi is still royalty. She had The Title, and her constituents are doing the dirty work for her. Even if he and Amanda get married and have more kids and what not - I have a hard, hard, hard time believing ABC will ever back them in any Jade And Tanner, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Last Year In Paradise And Married On TV Earlier This Year, Remember Them?-type of way, despite how badly Josh (barf) Murray would want that. Sorry, Josh (barf) Murray - you came here for redemption, but all you managed to do was bring Amanda down with you. What a shame.
  • Lace has such Latisse eyelashes and they’re gross.
  • "I'm a good judge of character, and I'm a smart girl." -Amanda Stanton, with the funniest quote of the season
  • Ashley has forced Jared to quit this show TWICE.
  • This is the most depressing and darkest season of Paradise with Josh (barf) and Chad combined. Here’s a great piece by Claire Fallon and Emma Gray from the Here to Make Friends Podcast about abusive men on this franchise.  Last season had great drama (Joe using whatsherface so he could just stay on long enough to meet Samantha who had a pussy made of cotton candy by the way the men salivated over her), kind of genuine relationships (seeing Jade and Tanner fall in love) and hilarious comedy. There’s some of that here, but the darkness is really overtaking the light this season.
  • Lauren H is from around the same area I am! Good for her, I give her a few points. But then I took all those points back and deducted a million when I remembered she was the "Would Jubilee fit in with all the other soccer moms?" girl from Ben's season. Nah, I dislike you immensely and it makes sense you would say something that racist, girl.
  • There’s only one fuck room for these people? COME ON, PRODUCERS.
  • Both Ashley and Josh (barf) used their dog’s illnesses for sympathy. Is pulling the dog cancer card a new thing? Sorry - people go through much worse traumas in their lives, but clearly Josh (barf) and Ashley are #blessed.
  • I loved when Nick said "There's 3 girls for Wells... It's a coin flip!" I don't think Nick knows how coins work.
  • I didn’t acknowledge Amanda saying “I will never question you” to Josh (barf) because… god. I already went in on how abusive his behavior and his tactics are in this recap but this was a terrifying, terrifying moment. You should always question people.
  • Was My Boyfriend Wells and Ashley I’s date the first in history that they’ve eaten on a date?
  • My boyfriend thinks the twins have Mary Lynn Rjaskub mouth, and that is the most specific reference I have ever been able to immediately recognize.
BONUS: Random Thoughts about Nick Viall Being The Bachelor:
  • I can’t say I’ve ever been more relieved or more thrilled for one guy, and I’m so happy that Luke and Chase can go bore women in their own towns instead of doing it on my television for twelve weeks. Paradise was the best redemption tour for him, and I can’t wait for January. Way to go from spoiling your entire season of The Bachelorette to being The Bachelor!
  •  I really hope the season ends with both women rejecting his proposals because as much as I like Nick, I LOVE good television, and that is good television.
  • Editing genius in action: Josh (barf) Murray goes from beloved to villain, Nick Viall goes from villain to beloved.
  • How mad do you think Chris Bukowski is that Nick Viall will officially be on more of these shows than he has been?
It says a lot that I will do immense amounts of research for this fucking show but I really can’t be bothered to look up the names of the guys who got eliminated.
I’m still sad that they didn’t just pull a Mikey from last season and give away the roses but eliminate themselves. But I guess that means whoever they bring in next definitely is there to break up an existing couple since that’s all that’s left.
I love how Nick is willing to put himself down to put out the word about Josh (barf). He's repeated that what Andi wrote about him was true every single time he’s mentioned it.
Every show has this same drama: Real Housewives of Orange County - who has to gain more from lying, Vicki and Brooks and his fake cancer or the four other women and City of Hope denying that Brooks has cancer? Real Housewives of New York - Tom totally slept with Ramona and Sonja before getting engaged to Luann, why would they both lie about that? It always happens and as long as you remember who has the most to gain, you’ll be secure in the truth.
The implied choice, as you can see. He’s offering an ultimatum and she still has agency to choose, but either way, he’s still in charge. Fuck Josh (barf) so much.