season six, episode one: how can we be given lala if they won’t give us lala?!
And now, for an early Christmas present: THIS VANDERPUMP RULES OPENING CREDITS.

It opens with Brittany, Jax, and Stassi. Jax has fully embraced the Matt Lauer “I’m Going Bald But I’m Trying To Get Ahead Of It By Shaving My Head” Mentality[1]. Brittany should sue whoever decided to put this tiny busty gal in a silk paisley handkerchief halter neck romper with a jeweled neckline. None of those words are supposed to go together in that order to describe something. Lisa Vanderpump, we are coming for you and all your coint and I will not hesitate to hold you to the highest standard of the law for doing this to Brittany. Are these the new Sexy Unique Restaurant uniforms? Because these are the worst ones yet. Stassi’s wearing whatever dress she found on FashionNova and arrived in time[2].

Ariana’s got a new haircut that had she not parted it the way she did could either look like All-American Dora The Explorer or Rosamund Pike in Gone Girl. Instead she looks like… well, she looks like a hotter version of Louise Linton, which I think Ariana would be horrified by. I SAID HOTTER, ARIANA. DON’T @ ME. Tom Sandoval is still #1 in my heart and soul and looks super cute in the opening credits, so I can’t say shit for once. Scheana, looking the most human she’s looked since undergoing her RealDoll Transformation[3] is wearing a black and blue version of the handkerchief romper from hell and I miss her short hair again. I spent all this time last season ragging on her for not looking real and all of her messiness and here I am like “BUT I LIKED YOU THE WAY YOU WERE”. I’ll never be happy, and neither will Scheana. We’re a match made in plastic heaven, like Legos.

Katie just looks so awful in the credits; I wonder if she pissed off the same producer Kristen did last season when they made her look like she smelled a shart. This time, Katie and Tom are halfway through a half-hearted spin left over from the dance classes they probably took for their Wednesday Wedding and Katie’s face looks like the face you have when you’re spinning without a care. It’s not a good look and Tyra Banks would be offended. Tom is wearing a teal suit. I missed Tom Schwartz almost as much as I missed Sandoval, but that’s because I genuinely worry about him and his wellbeing. Tom Schwartz is not well.

Lala in the opening credits is Rita Ora in this photo. Lala is as much of a try hard and is about as successful as Rita Ora, so that makes sense. All she needs is blonde hair and a red lip and she’s got a signature look[4]. At first when she came on screen I was like "YAS, LALA, YAS," and then I paused and... it’s… not great. Remember how fresh and beautiful she was in her first season and now she’s over plumped her lips so they look like a prolapsed butthole? That, plus the nude latex dress - girl looks like a condom. Like a condom that somehow got mascara smudged on it. DJ James Kennedy, MFA, LSD, MRSW is delivering a fresh spray tan and cheekbones for days. I’m pretty sure he put makeup in his chin dimple to define it. These people are so vain. And then there’s Kristen, who looks just as awful as last season except now she’s in sequins. She doesn’t look like she smells a shart this time though, she just looks like she’s drinking out of a straw, and not in the cutesy way like you're in an editorial for Vanity Fair.  No, this is in the way that you do when you’re drunk at the bar and trying to catch the straw in your mouth without using your hands but it keeps going around and around and around and around...

Lisa Vanderpump couldn’t be bothered to come back to record a new cocktail-grabbing opener so she’s wearing the same pink satin shirt with a black bolo tie for whatever reason. Lisa Vanderpump has been shopping in my seventh grade closet.

We have done literally nothing to deserve this show, and I am so happy it's back I could leap from a bridge.
Additional Random Thoughts from the Desk of Amanda:
  •  Katie’s pepto bismol pink interview look is not  good look. Lipstick, makeup, the dress- noooo.
  •  Each of the Toms are getting a respective 5% of TomTom for 100k. According to my SharkTank education, TomTom is going to cost $1 million dollars. Jesus.
  •  So… Faith committed elder abuse and no one’s gonna talk about it?
  •  I would like to never see another masqu-fuckin-rade party on my television again. We get it, you've seen Eyes Wide Shut.
  •  Also, though, props to Faith: two seasons ago she was introduced alongside Lala as the New Crew At Sexy Unique Restaurant, and she kind of fell into oblivion while Lala’s star rose. Allegedly Lala threatened Faith with a knife at some point and the editors decided to give Lala a good edit so they left that part out. Get you your camera time, Faith.
  •  Oh my god, Ariana posing in the mirror and then pretending to be “shocked” when Tom told her about Faith.  LOLOLOL @ this show.
  •  I do not understand why anyone would have unprotected sex with Jax Taylor in 2017. He is literally patient zero. He is Typhoid Mary, a personal close friend of his because he is 1000 years old.
  •  I also love that everyone is rallying around Brittany for the same thing they turned against Stassi for in season one. If Stassi needed an affirmation that her friends don’t really like her, she was handed one on a platter.
  • Where is Lala?!?!?!?!
It says a lot about these men that not even their hairline wants to be near them.
In my hiatus I became enthralled by the world of YouTube and Instagram Beauty Gurus and now can pick out a Shein/FashionNova/Pretty Little Thing/Romwe/Missguided ensemble a mile away. 
 Her skin actually looks like it has texture. It’s making me uncomfortable. Go back to being plastic, Scheana. ​
Call back to my podcast, which again, you SHOULD BE LISTENING TO.